> Back Issues > Issue IV > Biff, the Cheerleader Slayer
by Dave Lambert
A peculiar thing happened one year, way back in 1956. There was this guy named Biff, a really cool guy, you know, jeans and T-shirt, smoked cigarettes. Everyone liked him. But right after Biff appeared on the scene, cheerleaders started showing up dead.
Wanda was found floating face down in the river, just sort of floating like some piece of flotsam. However, some argued that she looked like jetsam.
Then there was Penny. They found her with her megaphone stuck in the top of her head and filled with peanuts. The first cops on the scene found that by putting nickels in her ear, you could get a handful of peanuts out of her mouth.
Betty, a popular girl, was discovered hanging in farmer Johnson's barn by her pigtails, set up rather cleverly as a human pendulum. Bails of hay had been set around her in a circle, and judging by the number that had been knocked down, she'd been up there about, say, seven hours. The cops waited another twenty minutes though to see her knock down just one more bail.
Lulu, from Hawaii, a little overweight, had been inflated with hydrogen. She startled the crowd at the home coming football game by coming floating over the back of the bleachers. She was decorated with little lights and was advertising hot dogs four for a dollar at Joe's Downtown Diner. To the disappointment of many, the ad was a crank, and there was no such sale. There were no lack of thrills however when it was finally decided by the cops that Lulu would have to be taken down by a bullet, a bad idea considering the flammability of hydrogen. We never did find all of Lulu after that, nor could the poor deceased girl ever after shake the name of 0l' Hindenburg.
Susie was found, much too late, in the large two ended ovens in the school kitchen. She had been nearly half served up before the head cook realized the error. Unfortunately for the cops, Susie had been well seasoned by the killer. They found themselves enforcing crowd control when the seventh-graders sent up a cry for more, an uprising the cops found difficult to suppress, especially when several of the adult kitchen help dug in to see what the fuss was all about. All of them quickly sided with the children. Though the chief of police agreed that she was indeed delicious, Susie's remains were impounded, a baking secret lost forever.
The reign of terror did come to an end however. Biff was discovered with the dead body of Darla still in his clutches. The odd thing was that big old Biff was dressed in a poodle skirt and saddle shoes. They were in the middle of the football field; the guys were coming out for an unscheduled late night practice, and stumbled upon the gruesome scene. Biff had arrayed upon the field, yet unassembled, a five-pound bag of cement, a refrigerator and seven boxes of candy canes. Later, during interrogation, Biff would never give away his final plans for Darla and those devices, a fact that had many who were following the murders wishing he had been discovered just a little bit later on. Biff served time in several top security places as the years went on, occasionally receiving visits from the school cook, who Biff stubbornly balked each time. Biff's name became mentioned less and less and finally we just kind of forgot about him. I heard, about a year ago, that he was working in a Florida state prison blowing up balloons for the weekly prisoner's craft bazaar and carnival. And that is the last that we ever heard of him around here. I for one hope he stays in jail, although he is a clever and resourceful person, his social tendencies leave a little to be desired, though interesting, I must say.
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November 19, 2002
by David Kraybill
©2002 Beard-Kraybill Studios